usually i work out for 45 minutes at least once a week (just once, at least, because im lazy that way bleh), and usually it keeps me feeling energized when im down and/or in a terrible mood. but today i could barely get myself past 30 minutes. my level of tiredness while working out wasn’t any different or anything, i just…. didn’t feel like working out? i mean usually when im about to go out for a jog or when i lay the yoga mat out in my room, i feel somehow mildly pumped up or whatever. but instead of the usual calmness of easing into things i just wanted to get the stupid thing over with. i didnt feel as relaxed; i just wanted to collapse back into bed. in the end i didnt finish the 45 minutes, and now im feeling some kind of weird endorphin hangover, like i know i should be doing push-ups right now or something, but i just dont feel like moving. at all. i just want to take a shower and stay in bed and read a book (i bought The Marriage Plot a few days ago, since i just finished reading Middlesex) and maybe drink too much tea, idk.
im pretty disappointed in myself, because every time i relapse into sadness i always exercise the feelings away. and its pretty effective, because jogging always makes me feel like im running away from my problems, even if that does sound kind of problematic and lame. but idk. the past couple of days i never feel like running, only wallowing. it’s terrible. i feel pathetic and unintelligent and undeserving of a lot of things, and the people who usually comfort you on these things aren’t around to help you out of feeling that way. sometimes im afraid of relapsing back to when i thought lowly of myself, and i know im better than that, but there are moments when im just not sure.